STDS STDS STDS
CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS
ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE
It's sophomore year of high school and I'm watching a very obviously outdated video that's supposed to "educate" me about the risks of sex. I'm attending a private Catholic all girls school, so the curriculum is abstinence based. What they really mean is it's a scare tactic and doesn't focus on any form of pleasure, solo or partnered. We're shown alternatives to sex such as playing dominos, and how contracting an STI can be a death sentence. These 80s videos (I went to high school in the 2010s btw) about abstinence and STDs tried to scare us out of “pre-marital” experiences, rather than focusing on safety, consent, and pleasure.
This was just one of the few contributions to my sex therapist villain origin story.
It could be the neurodivergence in me, but I never sat well with various types of conformity or norm. Being raised Catholic, I was surrounded by conservative messaging from a young age that I never necessarily connected with or adhered by. “Sit like a lady.” “Keep your hands folded on your lap.” “Don’t cross your legs, you’re not at a bar.” This is how I was taught what it meant to behave “as a woman.” It all frustrated me, making me wonder why I had to fit into a certain category, express myself in specific ways, and rob myself of pleasure until the “sanctity” of marriage.
The more I was told “don’t do that” or “we don’t talk about that publicly,” the more I pushed.
These were key moments when I realized I had more open and expansive thinking around sex and sexuality, and moments I experienced how harmful certain messaging could be to one’s self-esteem, self-image, and ideas of intimate connections with others. Young girls were ashamed to admit they liked other girls, or slut shamed for engaging in oral sex with multiple partners. In these situations I always found myself thinking “screw that,” and took every opportunity I could to learn, discuss, and normalize what was seen as “uncomfortable” or “private” to others. This ranged from openly talking about my own sexual experiences with friends, to reading and sharing queer literature, to learning about and supporting ethical sex work. During my counseling graduate school program, we were often asked if we’d feel comfortable discussing sex related topics with our clients, and more often than not I was the only one who confidently said I would. This was the moment I realized even therapists bulk at the idea of discussing sex, and once again I thought “screw that.” There were many people I’d encountered that believed sex couldn’t be discussed in the therapy room, that it was TMI. I knew even more that I wanted to be someone who provided that space for honest discussion, and to challenge the harmful and uninformed messages that continued to permeate.
But why a sex therapist though?
Now of course it's not just about hearing juicy stories of what happens in my clients' sex lives (truly, I can just read smut for that and not accumulate thousands of dollars in debt). And let's not even talk about the list of assumptions I get when I say "I'm a sex therapist." What follows is a string of, "You have sex with your clients??" "Oh you must be kinky!" or my personal favorite, a simple blank stare.
A lot of what I do is talking clients through feeling more confident expressing their sexual needs, what consent and negotiation could look like, and reproductive health such as STI testing, breast exams, birth control, and gynecology appointments.
I have the privilege of telling folks "You deserve to go fuck yourself" therapeutically.
Proper education, culture, and a multitude of influencing factors has robbed people of the opportunities to explore these aspects of themselves safely; to acknowledge their wants confidently and without shame. My colleague and therapist friend Melanie Greenberg talks a great deal of the intricacies of how systems can affect our desire and pleasure in her blog. I get to help folx navigate and explore their queerness, and what that newness brings to their sex lives. I explore with folx how their upbringing has impacted how they view sex and sexuality; of what it means to deviate from being told sex is a sin and having premarital sex.
It's a privilege to work with the most intimate aspects of someone.
Why a sex therapist though? For me, there's nothing cooler than this.
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